Let’s talk about transference

We talk about the things we struggle with in therapy.

(shocking, I know)

But most people who go to therapy don’t realize that all issues don’t need to be explicitly spoken about, because they will show up dynamically in the therapy room. Our relationship patterns especially unfold in real-time within the therapy room.

How you relate to your therapist.

How you feel about your therapist.

How you perceive the things your therapist says.

How you understand the things your therapist does.

These are all extensions of your dynamic with the rest of your world and everything within it.

This is called transference. You transfer what has been directed to your outside world onto your therapist.

Now, while unpacking all your baggage, the person in front of you isn’t just your therapist.

The person in front of you is compassionate just like your friend. So you start making small talk to get to know them more.

The person in front of you is judgmental just like your mother. So you stop sharing about anything that might upset them.

The person in front of you is wise just like your mentor. So you constantly depend on them for guidance on what to do.

The person in front of you is unpredictable just like your spouse. So you never feel quite settled in session.

All these perceptions might have nothing to do with what your therapist is doing as much as they have something to do with the filters you see the world through and the experiences that shaped your understanding of how relationships work. Our relationships with our Selves, with the people in our life, with our God, with our earth…the list is endless.

Now you want your therapist to show you tender warmth like a mother would. You want your therapist to be available to you at all hours of the day just like your friends are. Or maybe you feel rejected by your therapist just like your boss rejected you. You worry your therapist will become angry with you if you tell them what you were really up to this weekend just like your mentor was.

Now your therapist has become a conglomeration of everyone you’ve ever known.

Now your therapist has become an extension of the most significant people in your life.

Now your therapist has become a co-conspirator with everyone who has ever hurt you.

Now your therapist has become the hero you always needed to show up and rescue you.

Your therapist is no longer just your therapist. A person with a specific role and limited capacities for what they can do.

While a lot of the time transference is obvious, it can take sometime to really show through all the talking.

I always tell people I didn’t have much luck with having a therapist, but I hit the jackpot with supervisors. The first supervisor I had a session with when I first started practicing is the same one I am scheduled to meet this Tuesday almost 3 years later. It took me while to come to terms with the transference I was experiencing with my supervisor. I had to come to terms with it when I reached a point of feeling a a compulsive need to have a session every week. It was hard to admit it to myself, but necessary.

It took me while to come to terms with the transference I was experiencing with my supervisor. I had to come to terms with it when I reached a point of feeling a a compulsive need to have a session every week. It was hard to admit it to myself, but necessary.

All this could come up in supervision as well. My supervisor is always saying it’s a fine line between supervision and therapy. Almost three years later we’re still trying to understand how to walk it. I get curious about him like I’m sure my clients get curious about me. Is he married? Is he the eldest sibling (does he have siblings)? What are his existential fears? What’s the last thing he thinks of before he goes to sleep? Any regrets in his life? Which one of his friends does he secretly hate? Who does he miss during holiday season?

I’ve had many clients who experienced transference with me.

I’ve had a client who wished she could be my friend, because she thought I was such an amazing person.

I’ve had a client work hard to impress me because they saw me as a mentor they wanted to make proud.

I’ve had a client who proposed to me because he believed I could “cure” his mental issues as his wife.

And there are others. Each unique in their reasons for why they wanted me to take up more space in their life. For why they believed they would be so much better off if they had more of me. Each we unpacked and processed with.

Biology identifies 4 main types of relationships between different species.

Mutualistic relationships are relationships wherein everyone involved benefits from their co-existence and interactions with each other. Competitive relationships are those that come to existence between people vying for resources, advantages, power, etc…

Parasitic interactions are characterized by one party’s benefit at the expense of another.

And then we have the commensalistic relationship. Where one organism benefits from another organism without harming them or giving anything back in exchange for that benefit. This is the type of relationship that best characterizes therapy. Commensalism. The client is given what they need to heal, without any conditions to benefit the therapist in return. Once the relationship becomes a non-commensalistic relationship it can no longer serve its purpose. There’s a reason why we can’t be therapists to our friends, family, co-workers. And they are the same reasons why talking to friends and family about our issues will not be the same as talking to a therapist.

You’ll find most therapists almost diminishing the authenticity of transference when it is acknowledged, usually when transference is experienced as intense love and adoration. When clients start to express that they are seeing us as more than therapists (friend, mother, partner, etc…) they’re usually told it’s because they’re seeing the best of us.

We are unconditionally empathic, caring, attentive.

During this hour-long interaction you have our undivided attention.

You are the only priority.

And wouldn’t that be nice to have someone like that available to you for more than one hour every week?

Absolutely.

But these feelings are based on finite conditions. You might feel very differently if you did come to know the entirety of who we are as fellow humans. If you came to know our flaws. Our shortcomings. Our needs. Our desires. Our kinks. All these unknowns are likely to take us down several pegs to the floor that the pedestal stands on. And if they don’t, well then you’re in a catch-22 situation. Because getting to know us on that deep of a level automatically pulls us out of our role as therapists in your life. Most of my personhood has to remain hidden behind the curtains to give you as much space as possible. For this space to be as therapeutic as possible the presence of our personhood has to be as minimal as possible.

In many ways your relationship with your therapist is one way.

One idea that is espoused frequently is the notion that the relationship between client and therapist isn’t like a “real” relationship, and that’s why transference-based love isn’t real. I find myself wholeheartedly disagreeing with this narrative now. Now, while I sit with all this transference towards my supervisor I am filled with a deeper sense of understanding of my clients’ experiences. Transference is no longer an abstract term that I learned and talked about in clinical jargon, but a lived reality.

It feels like true love. It doesn’t feel self-absorbed. It feels uplifting. Transference is absolutely a significant aspect of the therapeutic relationship which must be clarified. But once they gently shake through it all, I would say that those stubborn clumps at the bottom or their sift, that can’t be broken down any further, are the genuine love that exists within the client for their therapist.

The way I see it is, if I were to die today, my friends would grieve their friend. My siblings would grieve their sister. My clients would grieve their therapist. My siblings would not grieve me as their therapist. My friends would not grieve me as a sister. My clients could not grieve me as a relative. They would grieve me within the realm of the role I played in their life. Just because my friends didn’t know me as a daughter does that mean their love is any less authentic? Just because my siblings never knew me as a therapist would that make their love any less real? (I hope you’re disagreeing with these not-so-hypothetical questions). Love for your therapist should not be downgraded as a lesser-type of love.

I love my supervisor as my supervisor. And that is a special kind of love that I won’t find in “real” relationships with a father or a brother or a friend. It is valid because it exists. And it exists because it is real. And it is real because I feel it.